How EUPD Changes With Age, My Personal Experience *Talk of Self Harm and Suicidal Ideation/Attempts*

This is only my experience but I would love to hear if anyone can relate or would like to share their own experience. I remember being in my early twenties and my psychologist telling me that I'd probably start to feel better and not struggle so much with EUPD in my thirties or early forties. At the time I was really upset that I'd have to continue struggling for so long and the way things were described to me it was as if I would somehow be cured and have no symptoms of EUPD when that time arrived. I can see why some professionals think this is the case but, for me at least, it has only been a surface change.

At some point maybe a few years ago my behaviour changed a lot. I had a big reduction in self harm, overdosing, and suicide attempts. This was not because I wasn't feeling intense emotions any more or because I didn't want to harm myself or die, I very much still felt these things, but I found as I got older I wasn't able to deal with the pain of more serious self harm and I felt too exhausted to go through the things that happen after overdosing and also I found it difficult to swallow lots of tablets because it reminded me of being physically sick after previous overdoses. Because of this outward change I think that professionals think there must also be an internal emotional shift.

I do recognise that since I don't do risky things often now that I have had to develop other ways of coping such as letting the TV babysit me and talking to people about how I'm feeling. I am so bad at self soothing, I usually need to talk to someone to settle a bit and if there is no one around that can lead to risky behaviours. I try to remind myself of the difficult things associated with risky behaviours such as being physically unwell, lack of sleep in hospital, and importantly how suicide might go wrong and I could be left with serious physical health issues. I admit this doesn't always stop me from doing risky things, especially since when I am distressed I can't seem to process things and think about what could go wrong unless I have spoken to someone else and they have mentioned these things. If you have people who you can turn to it can be helpful to let them know of what prompts and support you might need. There is an app called Stay Alive (link) where you can create a toolkit to improve your wellbeing and things to focus on when you're at a crisis point. Again, I have this but don't think to use it when I am really distressed but I have asked my CPN and the Duty CPNs to remind me to look at the app.